I have wanted to write about my tug-o-war with Thyroid disease for a while now and have written 3 long, heart felt drafts, all of which have been deleted. Argh!! The struggle is real!! Just writing the words makes me feel sad. I have so much information to share on this topic and so many personal triumphs and failures. So why can't I just explode with information right now? I guess, it's probably because its just too personal and emotionally charged for me. It reminds me too much of my life before Hashimoto's because if you suffer from chronic illness, thats how you think. Its not 'life before and after kids', its life 'before and after I got sick'. Chronic illness is insidious. It is so much more than just weight gain or feeling tired. It's a whole new world, like waking up in the Maze, scared, alone, thinking - how did I get here? A new world through blurry eyes, a foggy head and a racing heart.
If you also suffer from an autoimmune condition or any form of chronic illness, then this will resonate.
We moved house in 2015. This was my ‘trigger’. Most chronic conditions lay dormant in the body until something incredibly stressful forces the immune system to turn on itself. Like tiny, little soldiers leaping out of the trenches in WW2, my antibodies decide to attack my perfectly healthy Thyroid tissue. WTF just happened? One minute I was a fit, energetic 37 year old woman, the next, completely incapacitated and unable to lift my head off the pillow.
It all happened soooooo fast.
I thought I had an ear infection. I couldn’t shake ‘the dizzies’. It was like extreme Vertigo. I saw Dr’s and Chiropractors and nothing made this feeling go away. I had experienced something similar, just a month before, when I was in Bali on a girls trip with my best friend. We had consumed quite a few cocktails the night before, so I just wrote it off as ‘my fault’. But here it was again, back with vengeance. My eyes went blurry and my heart felt like it was exploding out of my chest. I couldn’t drive a car and I couldn’t turn my head to one side without feeling like I was going to faint or vomit. That’s it, I thought. I’m dying. It must be a brain tumour!! Always the Drama Queen!
My GP (who I had never met until this day because I had never needed one before) decided to check my Iron levels. Whatever…. I thought. (Insert eye roll!) I have loads of Iron in my diet, its not that - but if you need to tick that box, go ahead. She also said ‘due to the fact you are 37 and you have had children, I will also check your Thyroid’. Pft!!! I thought, what a waste of time. I had little faith in her abilities. ‘It’s not that!!’ I said, sounding perplexed! I was studying Thyroid disease at Uni and I knew the symptoms, none of which I had.
Well….. I was wrong. The joke was on me. I had a TSH of 32 (that’s kinda bad). It was suppose to be revving at around the 1.5-2 mark. Any wonder I felt so unwell.
The next blow, ‘you will have to be on medication for the rest of your life’. Say what??? Hell no, that is not happening. I had been working so hard at freeing my body from any kind of chemical, toxin or Endocrine disruptor. I was not going to now, ‘pop a magic pill’ each day. My GP sensed I was freaking out. She referred me to an Endocrinologist, so that he could tell me exactly the same thing but with much less tact, at a way higher cost. He said ‘I get the sense you think this is a big deal….. This is not a big deal’. Easy for you to say Dr, but you are not the one sitting on this side of the desk with your midline expanding and your hair falling out.
So after feeling the pressure from two Doctors, I gave in and took their ‘magic pill’ also known as Thyroxine. Weeks and months dragged by and I still felt terrible. I was barely getting through my day. I was fatigued, sad, unmotivated and completely lost. I had all this information at my finger tips but I had failure to launch. Thyroxine alone, was not working.
Finally, my number came up at Invitation to Health, an integrated group of GP’s in North Gosford. This is where I met Dr Jane. She was my ‘third time lucky’ Dr. She made sense. She got through. Sadly, she is no longer with ITH but she was a Guardian Angel to me in my time of need. Jane adopted the ‘no-bullshit’ approach. She sensed that I was wallowing in self-pity and she said to me kindly but firmly, ‘you wont heal, unless you move into acceptance’. Of all the wonderful things she ever said to me, this was the light bulb. Once I accepted that this was my life now, I could make the changes necessary and start taking back control of my life. This disease had been an albatross around my neck for way too long. Times up! I was over it!
Side Note here (and an important one): My friend, lets call her Sam, had asked Jane to see me as a favour. Sam was already a patient and we both knew that Jane’s books were closed - she was that good!! Jane agreed to see me thanks to my friend. I am still not sure if Sam quite realises what she did for me that day, or every other day that followed when she would constantly check in on me by simply asking….. ‘are you ok?’
So I’m paying it forward, Sam. My first piece of advice, from someone who has done it the hard way… be empowered. Don’t let others tell you how this will play out. See what information resonates for you and go with that. Just start there. But make sure you actually START.
Be informed, be well researched and engineer the change for yourself. No-one will do this for you and the ‘magic pill’ may be mandatory BUT it may not tick all the boxes that you need it to. You may need to do more to feel well.
Second piece of advice is try and change one thing at a time, not all at once. Don’t become overwhelmed. Just baby steps to better health outcomes. If you stuff up (and I promise you will) forgive yourself and move on. Let go of trying to return to your old version of ‘normal’. As my beautiful husband said to me on a dark day ‘lets just find you a new normal’. Life moves in ebbs and flows. Move with it or you’ll become an Island and then no one will be able to reach you.
Change can be hard but you will be surprised at what you can achieve when you put your mind to it. I started my journey by removing gluten from my diet and BOOM… brain fog was gone. Dairy was next, slightly more difficult but when I did this my antibodies dropped from over 1000 to 500. Inflammation was coming down!! Finally!! Soy was the final ingredient to depart. This was really hard, as this bad boy is in everything. I haven’t eaten these things in 3.5 years. I’m not saying this to brag, I am merely pointing out that when you remove something from your diet and you feel better, you have no interest in reintroducing it. My kids always say to me, ‘I feel sorry for you that you can’t eat that’. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I have made a choice not to eat it. No one has forced me. It is my body, my choice. Exercising choice is powerful.
Next was saying goodbye to the punishing gym work outs and replacing them with more uplifting exercises. I still love to run and work out with friends but I just don’t push as hard. I try and listen to my body and rest when I need to and not feel guilty about it either. Less HIIT and more Yoga and Meditation. I chose not to live in a state of sympathetic dominance anymore, where I race against a clock at all times. As women, I feel like we are shamed into always telling people how busy we are. This is, for some reason, how we measure our worth. I am equally as guilty of it. But these days, I guess I am more mindful of when it’s happening and try and take a breather and say to myself - time out to relax and unwind. What this is for me is a bath, a massage, a swim, a run with a good Podcast, some Meditation, a walk on the beach with my dog and my girlfriends, some gardening, a cuddle with my kids on the couch. A 5 star resort (kidding!!!! Well… I’m not really kidding).
Being mindful of my diet has been kind of easy, as I was already eating wholesome, nutritious food. I guess I have just become more mindful of what I put in my mouth. Will it be inflammatory or nourishing. There really are only 2 columns. I follow an anti-inflammatory diet to support myself the best way I can. I am not perfect. I love a coffee in the morning and a glass of red wine at night. Throw in some dairy-free dark chocolate and now I’m in heaven. But these treats are only sometimes and don’t rule my life.
Supplements can be so useful too. I have seen more change from my Magnesium, Selenium and Zinc than I have from my medication. Finding the right supplements to support my body has been essential in re-establishing balance. I also bought the cutest little puppy dog EVER. She is the best supplement of all. She gives me more sunshine than Vitamin D.
So how about now? Well, 3.5 years on and I feel great 85% of the time. 15% of the time I feel tired, flat, foggy, hormonal and lack lustre but….. these symptoms are happening less as time goes by. I have moved into acceptance with the love and support of my wonderful family. I ask for their patience when I am not feeling my best. They now understand and back off with the ‘mummy demands’ when I’m exhausted. Open communication with my husband and kids has been vital.
Now, as a Naturopath, I am committed to helping others to do the same.
I have gone into so much detail here because I really wanted to emphasise the impact internal stress can have on our health. As women, we pedal so hard to keep everyone happy, that I think we forget we are even doing it. We need to remember that if we are not managing our stress in a healthy way, the outcome for the whole family will be much worse. If we can collectively take charge and put our own health first, then this will have a ‘trickle down’ effect on everyone else in the family. So lets stop putting ourselves last. Easy said than done? Like I said, baby steps.
Am I healed? Not yet, but I truly believe I am moving closer towards that than away from it. I have significantly reduced my medication under the care of my Doctor, gradually over the last 3 years and I am under my own care in terms of herbs and supplements, which I believe have been vital to my recovery.
My body may always be ‘standing at attention’, ready for war!!! However, for now the white flag is waving and there is a cease fire. Today is a good day and I think tomorrow will be too. I insist on it because I have a life to live.
If you are struggling with an autoimmune disease or chronic illness, I can help. You can feel better. You don’t have to do this all by yourself. Give me a buzz and lets cry it out together. Small stones can make big waves.
Healing vibes,
Perri. Xx
